You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Can I color on your dick again?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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