it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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