I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
