Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
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