i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
