1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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