No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
