just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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