I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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