I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
your room smells of hookers.
And success
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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