Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
