I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
