You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
oh god was she eating orange peels again
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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