just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
