Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
The ass gains better be worth it
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
