this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
