in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
