I wish my penis had an off switch
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
