The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
