Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
