Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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