you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
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