yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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