the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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