matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
