my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
where am i from again
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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