I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Randomize
