I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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