rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
