i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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