Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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