fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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