I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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