you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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