4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
this hospital has no fireball
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
