Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
