Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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