I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
