Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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