she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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