After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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