Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Dear god my vagina.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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