i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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