mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
