nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
