cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
