just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
