I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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