he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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