I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
